what a girl wants ..

My favorite movie scene of all-time is from Walk the Line. It's the scene where Johnny (played by Joaquin Phoenix) is arguing with his wife Vivienne (played by Ginnifer Goodwin). They've only been married for a year or so, and Vivienne is upset because Johnny is always out on tour and never home with her and their baby.

In a fit of rage, he screams "I got you your dream house and your car and all your pretty things! What more do you want?" And then she screams back "I want YOU, John! I want you and all the things you promised me!!"

Seriously, Ginnifer Goodwin should have won an Oscar for that line right there.

In one simple sentence, she echos the desire of every woman's heart - to be protected and provided for, but more importantly to be loved and cherished unconditionally. To be made to feel like she matters; like time spent with her counts for something. It amazes me how many men just don't seem to "get" that. I mean, it's not rocket science.

Anyways, I was thinking about that movie scene last night as I was falling asleep. A few weeks ago, I was challenged by a sermon where the pastor asked if we really, truly wanted God or if we just wanted the things that God can do for us. It's something I've been thinking about ever since. I sometimes get so caught up in the stuff - "God please do this for me, God please bring this into my life, God please help me out in this area" - that I forget to find peace in comfort in God alone. I forget that grace is enough. That God is enough. That even if my life is flat out miserable the fact that I have God as my Lord and Savior is enough. That anything else is just an added bonus.

Of course I want blessings and answered prayers and a happily-ever-after ... but I want to want God more than any of those things. If I'm being honest, I have to admit that I am not quite there yet. I still tend to whine about what I'm "missing" rather than rejoice in what I have - an awesome Savior. This is something that I'm working on.

When God asks me what I want in life, I want to be able to shout "I want YOU, Lord!"

so true ...

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago,

hoping I would find true love along the broken road.

But I got lost a time or two,

Wiped my brow, kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart ... they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true:

God blessed the broken road that led me here to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost to give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand,

You've been there, you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart ... they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true:

God blessed the broken road that led me here to you

- lyrics by Rascal Flatts

He Loves Me More.

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of old-school Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey and Celine Dion songs. Let me just say that 1) those ladies are CRAZY talented and 2) love songs these days just aren't as awesome as they were in the '90s. Bring back the romantic power ballads!! *sigh*

Last night, I re-discovered Celine's song, To Love You More. I had forgotten how pretty that song is and how accurately the lyrics capture the desperate cry of a heart that longs to be with someone who doesn't want to be with her. When it got to the part where she sings "I'll be waiting for you, here inside my heart, I'm the one who wants to love you more ..." I had an epiphany.

That's exactly what God wants. He wants to be the one who loves me more.

My family and friends love me. God will love me more.

My future husband will love me. God will love me more.

My future children will love me. God will love me more.

There is no one who will love me as perfectly and as completely and as fully and as truly as God will. When I let God be God, when I let Him become my everything, then I can let people be people. When you let God be the one who loves you more, you begin to appreciate the imperfect love that those around you so graciously pour out. And, you know, people are actually pretty awesome when you're not expecting them to be your Savior.

Praying that I will grow to love Him more, too.

comings and goings

Laura and Davey, an amazing couple who have been my small group/Bible study leaders for the past year and a half, are leaving Vancouver at the end of June. They'll be packing up their small family and moving south, to North Carolina, where Dave was offered an amazing job as a university professor. I'm still in a state of denial and am so sad to see them go ... but, alas, so goes the life of a Christian. God calls, we follow. God calls and we pack up our families, rearrange our entire lives and start anew. We chase after Christ, wherever that may lead us.

Two thousand years ago, Jesus said to his disciples "follow me" and the Savior has been giving us that same message ever since. Follow, follow, follow. Trust and obey and go where you're called. Easier said than done, I know. And trust me, I really *do* know. The more I've gotten to know Jesus, the further away he's led me from the plan I had drafted out for my life.

"You want to study law? Follow me. I want you to study theology."

"You want to marry so-and-so. Follow me. First, you're going to have a horrible break-up and then I want you to be single for the next 4 years."

"You want to move to New York City? Follow me. I want you in Vancouver."

"You want to work full-time in a Christian environment? Follow me. I want you to work full-time in a strictly secular office."

I've learned that sometimes God leads us to the most amazing places that exceed our wildest expectations. Other times, we're led down into valleys that are so dark we're not sure we'll ever find our way back out. We're taken straight to that one place we *really* didn't want to go to and we question Christ's authority in our lives and try to find shortcuts to get to the path we think we should be on.

But - be it on a mountain peak or in a dark valley - if we follow Christ we will always be exactly where He wants us. And when we are right where He wants us, He will use us. And when he uses us, He will be glorified and lives will be changed. And, at the end of the day, that's all that really matters.

I will admit that this is definitely a little "pep talk to myself" kind of blog post because I've been struggling with what it truly means to follow God. I love living in Vancouver. I LOVE this city and everything about it and I would be perfectly happy to live here for the rest of my life until the day I die. But, recently, I've had a catch in my spirit and have felt God challenging me in my obedience.

"Would you go somewhere new if I called you there?" He's been asking.

"Why?" I answer reluctantly. "Are you calling me somewhere new?"

"That's not really the point," He replies, ever so patient. "The question is ... are you still willing to follow me?"

"Yes," I say with a hint of sadness because I know what this all means. "Yes, I will follow You. Always."

I know exactly where this potential "somewhere new" is. And I know exactly why God might eventually call me there. And I know that if and when that call comes, I will go ... because being obedient to God and following Him with my whole heart is the only way I know how to live.

I am praying that God will continue to soften my heart toward the idea of moving somewhere new and that I'll grow to be open-minded - maybe even excited! - about the possibility of one day relocating there if that is indeed God's plan for me.

xo

broken.

Today is my 25th birthday.

Because my birthday falls on a Monday this year, my friends and I celebrated over the weekend. I wish I could tell you that I had the kind of birthday that makes Hallmark jealous. I wish I could say that I had a picture perfect birthday weekend and that I ushered in my 25th year surrounded by nothing but joy and cupcakes and pretty presents all wrapped up with bows.

Unfortunately, while my birthday weekend started off great it ended with a whole lot of tears. It ended with me bawling my eyes out on one of my best friend's couches and her assessing the situation and eventually saying to me: "First, I'm going to pray for you. Then, I'm going to make you a drink. A STRONG drink." Not exactly how I pictured celebrating the big 2-5.

I won't go into details ... the world wide web isn't the place for that. But I will say this: if you've ever had a moment in your life where something that you were so sure about suddenly came crashing down, then you can relate to how I'm feeling. Remember this post where I wrote about wanting an answer? Well, fast-forward two months later I was confident that God had spoken to me. I was completely confident that I finally knew, for sure and for certain, exactly what God was doing and where He was leading me and what He had in store for me. And so I opened my heart and let down my guard because I was sure God was telling me that it was OK to do so.

And then this weekend happened.

Is there anything worse than feeling like you've completely misunderstood God? I'm not sure there is and if there is then I hope I never experience it because, trust me, this feeling sucks enough thank you very much.

I am holding onto this verse this week - "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways declares the Lord". (Isaiah 55:8)

It's comforting to know that even though I was wrong, God has known all along what He is doing and He will bring this all together for good somehow. Even though I'm heartbroken right now, I trust Him.

Faithful

I debated long and hard whether or not to post this, because it's kind of personal and I don't really like to talk about my finances much. But, after much pondering, I realized that God was calling me to be humble and honest so that His glory could burst through.

This week is a tough week for me, financially-speaking. For some reason, I have LOTS of checks going through all at the same time - my rent, my student loan payment, my VISA payment, my internet bill, my monthly bus pass, etc. Usually, that's not such a big deal and everything goes through smoothly ... but this week I also have lots of special events and gifts that need to be purchased. Add in some grocery expenses and yeah - it's a tight week. I know everything will go through and nothing will bounce and all will be fine, but there's not a whole lotta room for error or unexpected additional expenses.

Last night, for the first time in probably forever, I prayed about my finances. I told God - "OK God, this is it. I really need You to stretch every penny in my bank account this week. I need a fishes and loaves kind of story, Lord. Please stretch it until next pay day."

This morning, my boss came into the office and dropped a big purple box on my desk. "I know you're a big chocolate fan," he said, "and I found this lying around in my office from Valentine's Day. I'm not gonna eat it, so it's all yours."

YAY! I love chocolate. What a great way to start the day, right?

Oh, just you wait. It gets better.

When I got home, I opened the box. And sure, there was chocolate inside. Lots of chocolate, actually. But there was also hot chocolate mix, pancake mix, waffles, nuts, dried fruits and lots of other edible goodies. I stood in my kitchen and stared down at the open box in shock ... and then I cried.

That big purple box will not pay my rent. It won't make this week any easier on my bank account. But it was such a powerful, tangible reminder of how faithful God is. It was as if God swooped down from heaven and said "I heard your prayer. I've got this! And not only am I gonna stretch what you've got in that bank account of yours, but I'm gonna treat you too! Here, have a waffle! Have a chocolate bar!"

God is so amazing. He loves us soooooo much ... so much more than we could ever know or comprehend. I am so privileged to have a Heavenly Father who loves me that much & who cares about my every need.

Your love, God, is my song and I'll sing it! I'm forever telling everyone how faithful You are. I'll never quit telling the story of your love - how you built the cosmos and guaranteed everything in it. Your love has always been our lives' foundation, your fidelity has been the roof over our world. - Psalm 89:2, The Message

what I know when I know nothing

This afternoon I had a little spiritual temper tantrum of sorts.

For weeks and weeks I have been praying about a specific situation/circumstance in my life. Praying for an answer. Praying for wisdom. Praying for insight. Praying that God would make things turn out OK. I prayed with all my heart, believing that God would provide me with a very clear, very precise answer. "Just tell me what to do, Lord. Just tell me if this is the right decision. Just tell me. I just need an answer. I just need a sign."

But Heavenly Father stayed silent. Not a peep from Him for weeks. And every time I thought I'd finally received a sign from heaven and now had the answer I'd been searching for, something would happen that would completely contradict what I thought I was being told and I'd be back at square one. And so I went back and forth, back and forth, like a kid on a swing at a playground.

This afternoon, I had just had it. I sat down on my couch and cried, tears of frustration and disappointment streaming down my face. Where was my answer? Were my prayers for wisdom and guidance not good enough, not pure enough? Didn't God hear me; didn't He care? All I could articulate through my sobs was "I don't understand" and I repeated that one phrase over and over and over. And finally, Heavenly Father spoke. Wanna know what He said to me? He said: "get up and go make yourself some tea."

So I wiped my face, blew my nose, dragged my butt off the couch and shuffled into the kitchen to make a pot of Earl Grey. As the tea was brewing, it hit me - there is NOTHING in the Scriptures that says we humans need to have it all figured out. There is NOTHING in the Scriptures that says we deserve to have it all figured out. And there is NOTHING in the Scriptures that promises we will be able to figure it all out ... bottom line is: there are some things in life we just won't ever completely understand or know until we get to heaven. The whole essence of faith is trusting that God will redeem and that God will reign victorious, even if we are unable to see how that is going to play itself out. It's being able to say "I don't understand why this is happening and I don't know where You're planning to go with this, but I'm trusting in You and only You. I'm down for the ride."

So here I am, drinking my tea. I'm still confused. I still don't have the straightforward answer I was searching for. And maybe not having the answer is the answer.

"But I trust in You, Lord. I say 'You are my God'. My times are in Your hands."

Psalm 31:14-15

He Hears My Heart

The other day, I read this on Chloe's blog -

"One thought. Parents want to give things to their children. Heavenly Father wants to give me a husband. It probably makes Him as sad as it makes me, if not more sad, because He knows that I'm sad to still be single."

That one line just stuck with me. Heavenly Father wants to give me a husband.

I had to take a moment and really remind myself of that. God is not holding out on me, He's not punishing me, He's not ignoring me. He placed a desire for marriage into my heart and He really, truly, honestly does WANT to give me a husband ... but, because of His infinite goodness, He's waiting until the right moment to do that.

It sounds so simple, right? God loves us and wants good things for us, and it breaks His heart to see His children sad and confused and discouraged. It's such a basic, foundational truth of God's character. And yet I forget this truth so quickly. I get so wrapped up in my circumstances that I forget that God sees the whole picture, from beginning to end, and that He acts out of a place of absolute knowledge and understanding.

Chloe's post was a powerful reminder to me ... not just that God knows and appreciates how anxious I am to be married, but that He knows ALL of the desires of my heart and that they all matter to Him, each and every one of them.

Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to Him; trust Him, and He will do it. - Psalm 37:3-5

Just random thoughts on my heart this evening.

xo