My main goal in life is to live as an authentic Christian woman ... to be the kind of person who loves Jesus, who lives for Jesus and who is honest and open about her struggles as she strives to glorify Jesus in all she does. If I give off the impression that I am anywhere near perfect, or that my life is perfect or that living a grace-filled life comes easily to me, then I have failed miserably at my goal.
I am not perfect. Far from it.
I get grumpy and irritable. I can be selfish and impatient. I tend to blame other people for the messes in my life. I struggle with pride. I struggle with insecurity. I struggle with not feeling like I am good enough and being critical of others to make myself feel better. People tease me about being a princess and, unfortunately, I'm not always the cheerful Disney kind of princess ... sometimes, I'm the bossy, spoiled kind of princess who just wants her own way. Sometimes I even hurt the people I love most. Perfection? Far, far from it.
Take Friday evening as an example.
It was Good Friday, a day to remember Jesus' crucifixion and sacrifice on the cross. I was at a worship service. If there was ever a time to be focused on the idea of GRACE it was then and there. Instead, I was annoyed with someone because they hadn't responded to one of my text messages. I had sent this message and eagerly awaited a reply ... and none came. I didn't stop to consider that this person was totally swamped with work. Didn't stop to think that they were likely counting down the minutes 'til they could see me in person to tell me all about their stressful week. Didn't pause to consider that maybe the whole text messaging thing really isn't their thing at all. Didn't take a moment to remind myself that a silly text message (or, in this case, a lack thereof) does not define how much a person cares about you or how much they value you.
I was annoyed that my message had gone unanswered. I felt ignored and even a little rejected. My insecurities began to swell up inside me ... "why didn't they bother to reply? what did I do wrong? why don't they like me?" ... So, when I saw this person that night, I was mean to them. Instead of calmly telling them that I was disappointed that they hadn't bothered to reply and asking why, I lashed out. Like an immature twelve year-old, I gave this person the silent treatment. Totally ignored them, brushed them off, didn't even make eye contact. Wow. Class act, Stephanie Joanna.
Oh sure, I felt empowered at the time. I felt like I was in control, like I was giving them a taste of their own medicine, like they deserved it ... but you know what? When I crawled into bed that night, I just felt like a big ugly mess of sin. Because dishonoring a fellow believer like that is wrong. Because treating anyone with impatience and intentionally trying to make people feel crappy is wrong. Because sin ALWAYS leaves a nasty after-taste.
So this Easter weekend has been one of repentance - realizing that I mess up quite a bit, and rejoicing in the fact that I have a Savior who is quick to forgive and quick to pour out His love.
And that, my friends, is the honest truth. I am not perfect. If you know me in person, then I feel I should just let you know that I will probably let you down. And all I can do is ask for forgiveness and pray that you too will love me through it.
"Just so you know, I'm gonna break your heart. Just so you know, I'm gonna make a mess. I've got things unsaid inside my head that I wish you knew that I can't confess ... like I'm gonna break your heart."
