wrapped in His banner

Today as I was walking to work, I found myself thinking of a Scripture verse I haven't thought of in years - Song of Solomon, 2:4 .. "He has taken me to the banquet table, and His banner over me is love."

That verse is the basis of a popular Sunday School song that my mom used to sing to me when I was a little girl - long before I was a Christian, long before I knew Jesus the way I know him now. I even remember the hand gestures that go along with the song; you have to wave your arms back and forth in the air over your head as you sing. I always tell people that the first verse of Scripture I ever memorized was 2 Corinthians 12:9, but now that I think of it I believe this verse from Song of Solomon was really the first. I didn't know it was Scripture at the time, but I memorized it and had it etched onto my heart many, many, many years ago when I was just a kid swaying back and forth with her arms above her head.

And today, out of the blue, it came back to me. Out of nowhere, I thought to myself "His banner over me is love." Before I was even born, God had me wrapped in His banner of love and grace and forgiveness and mercy. What an amazing thought. Sometimes the simplest truths are the most profound.

so true ...

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago,

hoping I would find true love along the broken road.

But I got lost a time or two,

Wiped my brow, kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart ... they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true:

God blessed the broken road that led me here to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost to give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand,

You've been there, you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are

Others who broke my heart ... they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true:

God blessed the broken road that led me here to you

- lyrics by Rascal Flatts

He Loves Me More.

Lately, I've been listening to a lot of old-school Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey and Celine Dion songs. Let me just say that 1) those ladies are CRAZY talented and 2) love songs these days just aren't as awesome as they were in the '90s. Bring back the romantic power ballads!! *sigh*

Last night, I re-discovered Celine's song, To Love You More. I had forgotten how pretty that song is and how accurately the lyrics capture the desperate cry of a heart that longs to be with someone who doesn't want to be with her. When it got to the part where she sings "I'll be waiting for you, here inside my heart, I'm the one who wants to love you more ..." I had an epiphany.

That's exactly what God wants. He wants to be the one who loves me more.

My family and friends love me. God will love me more.

My future husband will love me. God will love me more.

My future children will love me. God will love me more.

There is no one who will love me as perfectly and as completely and as fully and as truly as God will. When I let God be God, when I let Him become my everything, then I can let people be people. When you let God be the one who loves you more, you begin to appreciate the imperfect love that those around you so graciously pour out. And, you know, people are actually pretty awesome when you're not expecting them to be your Savior.

Praying that I will grow to love Him more, too.

I'm gonna break your heart.

My main goal in life is to live as an authentic Christian woman ... to be the kind of person who loves Jesus, who lives for Jesus and who is honest and open about her struggles as she strives to glorify Jesus in all she does. If I give off the impression that I am anywhere near perfect, or that my life is perfect or that living a grace-filled life comes easily to me, then I have failed miserably at my goal.

I am not perfect. Far from it.

I get grumpy and irritable. I can be selfish and impatient. I tend to blame other people for the messes in my life. I struggle with pride. I struggle with insecurity. I struggle with not feeling like I am good enough and being critical of others to make myself feel better. People tease me about being a princess and, unfortunately, I'm not always the cheerful Disney kind of princess ... sometimes, I'm the bossy, spoiled kind of princess who just wants her own way. Sometimes I even hurt the people I love most. Perfection? Far, far from it.

Take Friday evening as an example.

It was Good Friday, a day to remember Jesus' crucifixion and sacrifice on the cross. I was at a worship service. If there was ever a time to be focused on the idea of GRACE it was then and there. Instead, I was annoyed with someone because they hadn't responded to one of my text messages. I had sent this message and eagerly awaited a reply ... and none came. I didn't stop to consider that this person was totally swamped with work. Didn't stop to think that they were likely counting down the minutes 'til they could see me in person to tell me all about their stressful week. Didn't pause to consider that maybe the whole text messaging thing really isn't their thing at all. Didn't take a moment to remind myself that a silly text message (or, in this case, a lack thereof) does not define how much a person cares about you or how much they value you.

I was annoyed that my message had gone unanswered. I felt ignored and even a little rejected. My insecurities began to swell up inside me ... "why didn't they bother to reply? what did I do wrong? why don't they like me?" ... So, when I saw this person that night, I was mean to them. Instead of calmly telling them that I was disappointed that they hadn't bothered to reply and asking why, I lashed out. Like an immature twelve year-old, I gave this person the silent treatment. Totally ignored them, brushed them off, didn't even make eye contact. Wow. Class act, Stephanie Joanna.

Oh sure, I felt empowered at the time. I felt like I was in control, like I was giving them a taste of their own medicine, like they deserved it ... but you know what? When I crawled into bed that night, I just felt like a big ugly mess of sin. Because dishonoring a fellow believer like that is wrong. Because treating anyone with impatience and intentionally trying to make people feel crappy is wrong. Because sin ALWAYS leaves a nasty after-taste.

So this Easter weekend has been one of repentance - realizing that I mess up quite a bit, and rejoicing in the fact that I have a Savior who is quick to forgive and quick to pour out His love.

And that, my friends, is the honest truth. I am not perfect. If you know me in person, then I feel I should just let you know that I will probably let you down. And all I can do is ask for forgiveness and pray that you too will love me through it.

"Just so you know, I'm gonna break your heart. Just so you know, I'm gonna make a mess. I've got things unsaid inside my head that I wish you knew that I can't confess ... like I'm gonna break your heart."

He Hears My Heart

The other day, I read this on Chloe's blog -

"One thought. Parents want to give things to their children. Heavenly Father wants to give me a husband. It probably makes Him as sad as it makes me, if not more sad, because He knows that I'm sad to still be single."

That one line just stuck with me. Heavenly Father wants to give me a husband.

I had to take a moment and really remind myself of that. God is not holding out on me, He's not punishing me, He's not ignoring me. He placed a desire for marriage into my heart and He really, truly, honestly does WANT to give me a husband ... but, because of His infinite goodness, He's waiting until the right moment to do that.

It sounds so simple, right? God loves us and wants good things for us, and it breaks His heart to see His children sad and confused and discouraged. It's such a basic, foundational truth of God's character. And yet I forget this truth so quickly. I get so wrapped up in my circumstances that I forget that God sees the whole picture, from beginning to end, and that He acts out of a place of absolute knowledge and understanding.

Chloe's post was a powerful reminder to me ... not just that God knows and appreciates how anxious I am to be married, but that He knows ALL of the desires of my heart and that they all matter to Him, each and every one of them.

Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to Him; trust Him, and He will do it. - Psalm 37:3-5

Just random thoughts on my heart this evening.

xo