This afternoon I had a little spiritual temper tantrum of sorts.
For weeks and weeks I have been praying about a specific situation/circumstance in my life. Praying for an answer. Praying for wisdom. Praying for insight. Praying that God would make things turn out OK. I prayed with all my heart, believing that God would provide me with a very clear, very precise answer. "Just tell me what to do, Lord. Just tell me if this is the right decision. Just tell me. I just need an answer. I just need a sign."
But Heavenly Father stayed silent. Not a peep from Him for weeks. And every time I thought I'd finally received a sign from heaven and now had the answer I'd been searching for, something would happen that would completely contradict what I thought I was being told and I'd be back at square one. And so I went back and forth, back and forth, like a kid on a swing at a playground.
This afternoon, I had just had it. I sat down on my couch and cried, tears of frustration and disappointment streaming down my face. Where was my answer? Were my prayers for wisdom and guidance not good enough, not pure enough? Didn't God hear me; didn't He care? All I could articulate through my sobs was "I don't understand" and I repeated that one phrase over and over and over. And finally, Heavenly Father spoke. Wanna know what He said to me? He said: "get up and go make yourself some tea."
So I wiped my face, blew my nose, dragged my butt off the couch and shuffled into the kitchen to make a pot of Earl Grey. As the tea was brewing, it hit me - there is NOTHING in the Scriptures that says we humans need to have it all figured out. There is NOTHING in the Scriptures that says we deserve to have it all figured out. And there is NOTHING in the Scriptures that promises we will be able to figure it all out ... bottom line is: there are some things in life we just won't ever completely understand or know until we get to heaven. The whole essence of faith is trusting that God will redeem and that God will reign victorious, even if we are unable to see how that is going to play itself out. It's being able to say "I don't understand why this is happening and I don't know where You're planning to go with this, but I'm trusting in You and only You. I'm down for the ride."
So here I am, drinking my tea. I'm still confused. I still don't have the straightforward answer I was searching for. And maybe not having the answer is the answer.
"But I trust in You, Lord. I say 'You are my God'. My times are in Your hands."
Psalm 31:14-15
