Life is what happens when you're busy making plans.
I first heard that quote a few years back and it really struck a personal chord with me because, as most of you know, I am a planner. Give me deadlines, give me game plans, give me very detailed and specific directions. When it comes to my everyday life, I like to know exactly where I am going and how I will get there and how long the whole journey is going to take.
This past week, I received some bombshell news about my father's health. His health has been a bit of a roller coaster these past few years but things seemed to have calmed down over the last year and a half and we all assumed the worst was behind us. On Friday morning he woke up in tremendous pain and went to the ER. After running a few tests, the doctors confirmed that 1) the cancer is definitely back and 2) it appears to be spreading quite quickly throughout his body. He will have more tests tomorrow to see exactly how wide-spread the cancer is, what the treatment options are and what the overall prognosis is.
As a family, we are all very scared. We are hoping for the best but preparing ourselves for the worst.
Once I had time to process the news and let the reality of it sink in, I began to think of all the other things my dad might miss out on if Monday's results come back ominous. I thought about how he might not get get to meet the man I will marry .. how he might not get to give his blessing on my engagement ... and then, like a bullet straight through the heart I thought to myself - "My Daddy might not get to walk me down the aisle at my wedding."
As soon as that heartbreaking thought crossed my mind, I heard God answer: "I will walk with you."
I wish I could say that God's reply brought me peace but, in truth, it made me angry. I felt like screaming "I don't want YOU to walk with me, I want my Dad!! Just go do your job and heal him." It's hard to lean on God when your heart feels as though He has ripped it in two. It's hard to believe that God is going to use all this and turn it into good when all you can think about is the worst possible outcome. It's hard to trust God with the unknown when you had plans and expectations of your own; plans that you took for granted, expectations you never thought might not be met.
I have spent a lot of time this weekend praying through my grief and anger. I'm still very much a work in progress, but I can say with confidence that I know what God said is true. He will walk with me.
When I am scared and confused ... He will walk with me.
When I am grieving ... He will walk with me.
When I am heartbroken and angry ... He will walk with me.
When I feel that I am walking alone ... He will walk with me.
And when I someday see Him face to face, it will all have been worth it.
